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So you Love an Alcoholic or an Addict
So you Love an Alcoholic or Addict
Do you love or live with a person you suspect of problem drinking or of abusing drugs? Is it making you crazy? Or do you have a friend that's being made nuts? As well as some resources and links that help more in depth, I'm just going to cover the 3 C's here in this article. You didn't cause it.
Alcoholism and addiction are really good at blame. And the person afflicted is good at believing the blame and trying to incite others to feel the guilt for his/her behavior or lack of whatever it is they think they need at the time (usually money). I don't care if you gave birth to the alcoholic or addict in question. You did not cause it. Even if you, yourself, have the "alcoholic gene" and know you passed it on, guess what? You probably did not buy the liquor and pour it in their mouths. And even if you did, it was the loved one who continued the drinking not you. Think of it this way: If you caused it, you didn't mean to. If you didn't cause it, all the better. But either way, is there anything you can do now? See the next C. You can't control it.
I understand you try to control it. I did too. [See A Relative's Alcoholic Drinking - A Memoir] I tried to "behave" and "be nice" and "entertaining" and tried to make *my* alcoholic happy and at ease. I bent over backwards, walking on eggshells and people pleasing until I had mastered being the chameleon to a science. No matter how I tried to control the situation, my alcoholic relative still drank. Other people try different methods depending on their personality. Like nagging, control freaking, manipulate, lie, rage... It's all the same and boils down to the same result; We make ourselves crazy trying to control something we have no business controlling! You heard me! "Yes I do have business controlling it! It's making me miserable! It's harming her! ______________ (fill in the blank with any good solid rational reason)" Think of it this way: If you could control it, indeed, would you not have it "under control by now?" This would be my first clue that maybe it's *not* my business to try to control another person. [And that is the secret: We can control our SELF. See What is Codependency?] You cannot cure it.
Even alcoholics in A.A. recovery will say that what they have is a daily reprieve; that there is no cure for alcoholism - meaning they will never be able to take one drink successfully without setting up the phenomenon of craving. If an alcoholic in recovery cannot cure their own self, what makes anyone think they can cure their loved ones who may not even currently *want* treatment? Think of it this way: At best, we can perhaps help someone seek help [See How to help an Alcoholic Stop Drinking for more information.] but we cannot make someone well from alcoholism or drug addiction, much less *cure* them. The 3 C's are a Start
Once you recognize the 3 C's, in truth, you will become empowered to recognize the things you *can* control; the actions you *can* take. And there are plenty! Support groups [Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, ACoA, Alateen], online resources and groups, and even literature and self-help books. Remember. YOU are the most important person. YOU deserve your best life possible despite the actions or life choices of someone you love. You can still love them but you do not have to remain crazy or enslaved to their disease - even they choose to be.
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Contributor's Note
If you spend time at my "Living within Samsara" site and particularly in the Codependent section, you can find all of the above resources there.
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How to help an Alcoholic Stop Drinking
| What is Codependency?
| Codependent Articles in Living Samsara
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This intel was contributed by Samsara
Samsara
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May, 2012
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